GOODLAUG Guides
How to have an Illegal Week.

See if you can get through all the activities of the week without being forced to partake
in cellpacing when you enter the Criminal Justice System in the form of being locked in a room that's not easy to get out of.

MONDAY
Broadcast on FM all day, shouting obscenities down the microphone, and express bold political opinions that the Nazis weren't all that bad if you got to know them like your grandfather did.

TUESDAY
Drive all the way down to Dover and the pop over to Calais and come back with copious amounts of cigarettes stuffed up your clothes and bottles of alcohol down your trousers.
If you are stopped by customs offer them some.

WEDNESDAY
Offer the immigrants you picked up yesterday on your trip to Calais a job doing cleaning.
You don't even have to pay them minimum wage since the government can't be in on your
operation. Once your house is clean install some file-sharing software on your computer and share everything under the sun. Finally talk about your day on your pirate radio station.

THURSDAY
You have discovered that there is a shortage of new films on your file-sharing software, so invest in a camcorder and take a trip down the cinema to do a bit of amateur filming. You can film a recent picture made by Sony Pictures with your Sony Handycam. In the evening create a new ebay account.

FRIDAY
Sack all the immigrants you brought into the country on Tuesday and then with
the proceeds of the films you sold on Ebay buy a home beer making kit. And then later go down the pub and flog your homemade beer behind the landlords back of course.

SATURDAY
Have an amusing morning making prank calls to 999, you might have to do a phonebox crawl though, tell them some robbers have set fire to a nearby store which has sold out of extinguishersm break into someone's garden to get on a roof to view the emergency services vehicles turning up for your bogus calls.Then go to the library and return home ripping pages out of the books all the way.

SUNDAY
Enter a plethora of different churches and tell them their religion is crap.
Don't bother doing anything else illegal for the rest of the day it's been a long week, just do a little light file-sharing or maybe some mail fraud if you're feeling up to it.

Guide To Prison
If there's anybody in there you don't like, make an enemy an out of them it is important that you can express yourself and your true feelings.

*Just before your parole hearing, scrawl "this is shit" on your cell wall using paints from the workshop. Preferably in red if you can get the paint.
*Make a Robinson Crusoe style tally on the wall of your cell.
*Ask the Judge if you can go to prison on a 30 day trial to see if you like it or not, tell the Prosecution they can have their money back if they're not satisfied.
*On your first day run around threatening everyone with a knife saying "I'll Kill You" in a Deep South accent.
*Tell the other inmates you're in for Murder when you're really in for tax evasion.
*Send a review of your prison to the good hotel guide rating it 5 stars.
*In the middle of the night shout desperately for the warden, and when he arrives tell him there's a problem with your lock, it must be stuck you can't open it.warden
*Using materials from the workshop instead of trying to escape make your cell smaller by building an extra wall inside it.
*Try to get the warden to give you Solitary Confinement and then while you're in there make up an imaginary friend whose life ambition is to kill everyone, Introduce your friend to everyone inside and make everyone aware of this fact, you'll be spending a lot more time with your new friend.

If you got caught doing the illegal week here's how you can still have one whilst still in prison.

MONDAY
Offer to carry all the desired items that the cons want in the prison, start to communicate with an outside pen-pal of the opposite sex who you hope will fall in love with you.
TUESDAY
Start to note down a detailed plan of what crimes you will commit once you get back out of prison, make a diary of your plans and your story of how you get outside and make a profit from your crime when you publish it as a book. Include a chapter on how easy it is inside prison, and tell criminals not to be afraid of a place that's more like Butlins than Sing Sing.
WEDNESDAY
When the screws discover your little journal under your hard prison pillow, bribe them to keep quiet about it and offer them illegal wares such as drugs, counterfeit money and pirate DVD's. You'll have learned all about how to make these while in prison, you're know a self-made criminal expert thanks to residing in the Criminal Training Academy, otherwise known as Prison.
THURSDAY
Claim you're a reformed character and would like to start studying to redeem yourself and then cheat on the exam.
FRIDAY
Reply to your letter from your pen-pal by asking them to "bring something", and then in the evening if you're in the US where unauthorised gambling is prohibited make a bet with the other prisoners that you can successfully escape.
SATURDAY
It's Visiting Day and you get to see your pen-pal, accept the parcel and have a very relaxing evening getting high off a mixture of Heroin & Dope. If you're new to Heroin you're going to start liking it more and more.
SUNDAY
Plan an escape attempt and execute it because it's been a long week.

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