GOODLAUG Guides
Soul Destroying Work.

GOODLAUG’s guide to soul-destroying work that you can make someone do if you’re rich and they’re not.

Take someone to the edge of the Sahara desert and tell them to clean the mess that this sand has made, Instruct them to pick up every grain. If they ask what they are to do with any mirages they find, tell them to discard them as well. When you’re pushing 90 go back and see if they’re done yet but they’ll most likely still be in Egypt.
Why is it soul-destroying? Because most deserts are bigger than peoples lifetimes.


Pay someone to count to a million with the rule that if they lose count they have to start at the beginning. Pay them a pound for every number but at the end they won’t have any soul left to be a millionaire.
Why is it soul-destroying? Because if a millionaire had to count every pound they’d rather be a pauper.

In a similar style to prison labour, instruct someone to dig a hole in the ground and then claim you’re not satisfied with it and get them to fill it in again and then start digging somewhere else until you get bored with that.
This was the prison labour inflicted on the prisoners from “Cool Hand Luke”, the whole point of prison is to destroy your soul so you never feel like committing crime again

Commission a giant picture of a messy floor in a kitchen and place it down on the floor of a real kitchen and laminate it so it appears like lino. And then employ a cleaner and after 6 hours of getting nowhere tell them they’re doing a job not worthy of 1p a hour and you have seen cleaner toothbrushes that have dropped in oil.
Why is it soul-destroying? Because pictures are meant to be preserved and dirt is not.

Attempt to a make a map of Britain in real-life scale, don’t bother including any forest areas because they’ll all be gone you’ll have used so much paper. Hewlett Packard’s business will be swimming in it.
Why is it soul-destroying? It won’t make the Ordnance Survey go out of business because these maps won’t fit into peoples pockets, in fact a map of their pocket wouldn’t at this scale.

Instruct a diver to locate a rare fish that has only ever been seen once in the whole world, he will have to trawl the entire worlds oceans looking for it, it will feel like watching Finding Nemo in hell.

If you live by the coast with a garden that backs onto the sea, employ someone to clean out your swimming pool, but you don’t have a swimming pool.

Employ someone to handwrite a copy of The Lord Of The Rings because you want to read it in nice handwriting. Give them a fountain pen that needs to be written with delicately. If they have never read The Lord Of The Rings before now they will thoroughly absorb it.

If you are a commissioning editor at ITV, bring back the Challenge Anneka program and make it the object of the series to find a needle in a giant haystack, give them 12 episodes to pinpoint it. If they successfully do it as a grand finale light the haystack on fire, soon the temperature will be so hot the needle will melt.

Get an aspiring astronomer to make a thorough catalogue of every star in the whole universe. Stipulate that they must provide details of all orbiting planets, asteroid belts and satellites found in each solar system and also tell them that they must log every comet and meteor they find along the way.

Commission someone to design a car that is capable of launching into outer space with the proviso that you will blow it up if it is not able to perform the task.

If you are the minister of transport try to persuade your department to open a by-pass in a particularly green and pleasant area that is well known for environmentalists and people with naturalistic beliefs.


Invite some guests to a honorary dinner and serve up a bucket of plain rice with no flavourings
With the promise of payment when every single grain has been downed.

Build a life like replica of RMS Titanic with every single detail of the original ship recreated perfectly. And then sail it in the Atlantic looking for icebergs to re-enact the disaster to every detail and as no cameras or video equipment were invented, ban them from the ship. Once your re-created Titanic sequel has downed blow up the remains with a controlled undersea explosion.

Instruct someone to paraphrase a whole book.

Mow the lawn of an entire field, and then list each blade of grass separately for sale on Ebay.
In the item description catalogue them according to blade height, thickness and brilliance on green, and test each one for their likelihood level of causing you a grass cut.
In a few months you’ll have earned enough postage to buy a bigger landmower, only to start all over again.

If a satellite or cable channel gets the rights to repeat classic episodes of Coronation Street & Emmerdale from the beginning offer to subtitle them free of charge.

Employ someone to work as a security guard on an abandoned oil rig. Give them a barrel to sleep in and warn that the Danes and Vikings might be mounting an invasion on the high seas
Imminently.

Give someone the keys to a JCB with the instruction to swap the positions of a mountain and valley around.
In other words dig a mountain up and move it into a valley, and where the mountain was there should now be a valley.

Assign a street cleaner to clean up an entire town’s autumn leaves and then the next day, instruct them to sprinkle them back down on the town for the Autumn festival.

Take a picture of yourself being sick and then get an artist to do a dot matrix of it. Be sure to eat plenty of carrots and sprouts in preparation for it.

Get a time machine and go back to the era of King Wencelas and burst into the castle during one of his feasts and get a job doing the dishes.

Employ someone to thoroughly edit and bring up to date all of the Channel’s website with fresh, new and interesting content.

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